The Levi Files: Thoughts of a Lightning Bolt
by kyoasaurus
Summary: Levi writes a diary and reveals a side of him we never expected... CRACKFIC, OOC


**The Levi Files~ Thoughts of a Lightning Bolt**

**AN: Finally got off my lazy ass and decided to write something, so here it is!**

**[edit] Edited and corrected some mistakes~**

**Disclaimer: Don't own.**

* * *

4:08am

BOSS IF YOU'RE READING THIS IMA YOUR BIGGEST FAN FROM, LIKE, FOREVER! I HEART YOU!

…

Wait. Did I just write that? No one's supposed to know about my secret obsession with Boss! But you won't tell anybody, will you, Diary?

6:39am

Squalo just spent two hours in the bathroom. I knew he was a girl in disguise! Anyway, I was Facebooking, or whatever you youngsters call it these days, and guess what Boss put as his status:

_**Xanxus **__thinks he loves gareo;wbasdbgyrekfewogeh;fdnv_

Call me blind, but that definitely says 'Levi'! IS THIS LOVE? I THINK SO!

21 minutes later

OMG! OMG! OMG! I HATE THAT JERK SQUALO!

Why, oh why, I hear you ask.

Well, it was breakfast time and I went into the kitchen to eat my beloved Coco Pops with my future husband. Sadly, the rest of the Varia were there too, and so we were having a normal conversation like any family would do. It kinda went like this:

Me (and Boss's wife-to-be!): BOSS! Y-YOU BOUGHT ME CEREAL?

And I was so happy I cried tears of happiness. Like in the movies. And he LOOKED at me! WITH -what I'm sure was- LUST IN HIS EYES. LIKE TOTALLY OMG! Then that fucking shark had to ruin it by saying:

"VOI LIKE HE WOULD FUCKING BUY ANYTHING FOR YOU! IT'S JUST LUSSURIA'S COCO POPS, YOU FREAK!"

Then I went:

"MMMMNNNGHHHHHHH! NAOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SQUALOOOOOO SAY IT ISN'T SOOO!" I stopped for a moment. "Wait. Are. You. Eating. MY. Coco. Pops."

And Squalo went:

"VOIIIIIIIIII SO WHAT!"

And I went (hoping my husband would defend me but he didn't. Maybe he was…SAVING IT FOR OUR WEDDING NIGHT?):

"OMGZ HOW COULD YOU! YOU-"

The rest is censored. (Sorry Diary.)

10:44

I overheard Xanxus talking to the shark today. I wish he'd talk to me. I mean, we are getting married, right? So when I was walking out my room, I came to the conclusion that Boss was indeed angry. At me? Maybe. What do you think of my awesome DETECTIVE skillz?

Okay, I lied.

I heard Bel say to Mammon, "Boss looks angry. Wonder what's stuck up his ass?"

Wish it was me. Sigh. Life is such a bitch.

Mammon grunted a reply and they went. Somewhere. (OVER THE RAINBOW!)

14:52

I was watching Sailor Moon on TV when that shark came in and started screaming.

"VOIIIIIIIIII! YOU'D BETTER PHUCKING MOVE YOUR PHUCKING ASS IF YOU WANT TO LIVE!" He yelled at Bel.

And he said 'phucking'. I don't know, it was just the way he said it made me spell it like that. Maybe it was the spit that came out. One of bitch's mysteries, I guess. (See what I did there? Life's a bitch? Bitch = life? Hoho, I crack me up!)

"Ushishishi, this is the prince's seat and a peasant shark like you can't make me move!" Bel replied.

His teeth are so white. If he started smoking, do you think he would still grin and show off his yucky teeth? (YUCKEH MAN!)

Squalo got pissed and started screaming. "*BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*"

Yeah, it might warp your innocent, young mind so I'm censoring it.

15:15

My husband is being mean.

He keeps throwing wine glasses at the shark but not at me! That means he's not give ME any attention! Such a meanie. (A SMEXY MEANIE HO HO HO).

17:32

Holy shit, I found Lussuria's heroine stash today.

MMMMMM.

SNIFFSNIFFSNIFFSNIFF.

asdfghkl;hi.

Later

Lussuria used my clothes to wash the toilet.

WHAT IS IT WITH THE WORLD HATING ME?

Well, I see him now so time to put my lessons in Advanced Bitchery to the test!

Me: Is that something on your face?

Lussuria: No, I don't think so dearie!

Me: Oh wait, it was just your nose! HA! HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT, BITCH?

Heehee.

(Also, I sniffed up all of his heroine so double revenge. Ahahaha, I'm so evil, I'm jealous of myself.)

Later later

I have shocking news.

So, I was on Youtube, and typed in the search engine the name of my beloved when I saw this HORRIFIYING VIDEO!

Yes that's right!

IT WAS THIS VIDEO OF _MY _XANXUS DOING UNSPEAKABLE THINGS WITH THAT SHARK!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

My life is ruined.

Later later later

I was feeling sad and un-hungry (is that a word?) so I decided to go to bed. My emo music always makes me feel sorry for myself so I put that on as well and started doing a ritual that would make Xanxus MINE! FOREVER! MWAHAHAHAHA!

For you Diary (in case you see any smexy Xanxus diaries out there) I'll write the ritual in!

Me: Ommmmmgahhhhhhh…

Emo music: F IS FOR FRIENDS WHO DO STUFF TOGETHER!

Me: *sob* OmmmmGGGAAHHhhhhh…

Emo music: U IS FOR YOU AND ME!

Me: I can't take it anymoreeeeeee! XANXUSSSSS! TAKE ME BACK INTO YOUR LOVING ARMS!

Emo music: N IS FOR 'NYWHERE AND 'NYTIME AT ALL, DOWN HERE IN THE DEEP BLUE SEA!

Me: GTFO!

Don't you think that song was so emotional? I heart it! (But not as much as I heart XANXUS!)

Later x4

MY EYES! THEY BURN! £!/.%!

MY POOR POOR EYES!

Later x5

Ahem. Let me apologise for my earlier behaviour. I was so surprised that I could not help but be mean and burn puppies. WAIT I DID NOT PUT THAT. AHEM. So, what really happened was that I SAW SQUALO DOING INAPPROPRIATE ACTIVITIES (that might be sex but who knows, perhaps Squalo was just suffocating Xan-Xan with his crotch.) WITH _MY _HUSBAND!

Alas, Xanxus and I are no longer going to be married!

We (well, I) called off the wedding!

I was so looking forward to wearing that dress.

Sigh.

_*blood splatter blood splatter blood splatter*_

_VOOIIIIII WTF WHO THE FUCK IS WRITING ALL THIS SHIT ABOUT ME! VOIIIIII! LOL I'M IN YOUR DIARY OOPS YOU'RE DEAD SO YOU DON'T KNOW HURRRR SUPER LULZ!11!_

_*blood splatter blood splatter blood splatter* _

_NOOOO! YOU WENT THROUGH ALL THAT FOR ME? OMG! NOOOO! LEVI! COME BACK TO ME! SQUALO AND I WERE ONLY JUST A ONE TIME THING! NOOOOO! LEVI MY LOVE!_


End file.
